i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Randomize
