my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
