i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
