i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
