I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Randomize
