I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
