You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
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