she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
