Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
