I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Randomize
