i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Never let your siblings swipe right.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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