You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
