just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
