Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Couch. On fire.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
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