hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Randomize
