and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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