you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
