she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
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