I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
You are the jesus of drinking
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Randomize
