dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
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