I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
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