Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
i black out too much to be "responsible"
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