seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
