Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
