My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
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he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
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I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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