i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Houston, we have a blender
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
