Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Randomize
