If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
