I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
