I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Small penises have feelings too.
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
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please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
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We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
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