I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
It's not a walk of shame if you run
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
