My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
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