I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
