i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
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That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
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We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
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