K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
