I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
Randomize
