Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
