yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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