TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
