I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
