I think my fart just growled at me.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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