I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
