kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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