he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
