Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
