if i can run in heels then i can drive
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
