i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
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