FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
