Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
