Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I have aggressive nipples.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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