I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
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