I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
My bed smells like the plague
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
