i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
