I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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