Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
Randomize
