Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
