i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
it's like iHOP with fire
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
