My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Randomize
