i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
These tits shall not be calmed
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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