i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
